Us single’s have the advantage of clarity and too much free time. We have the realistic approach and appreciation for what life has to offer aka the Victoria’s Secret Semi annual sale where I buy lacey underwear that no one will see but myself and the sales woman. For our Non-single friends who have jumped the ship into full on relationship status, their view on life has become eschewed with planning dinners together, time for hand holding, and the great all night phone sessions. These relationships all fresh and exciting like a new purse or in my case a newly packaged DVD of The Hills. Then 3 months in come the pains, the moans, and the occasional cry fest. I’ve seen it all and lived it all on the other side of singledom. Nothing fools me anymore; in fact, I feel as a single person it is my civic duty to help these poor unfortunate souls try to see the light. This of course comes at a price. Which leads me to my topic.
I have been put in “give me advice” situations more then I can ever calculate…and I'm a freaking estimator. I calculate shit for my job/facebook/blog/gchat. I have been on both sides of the spectrum on this and trust me…it ain't pretty. So Listen and Listen good. This is the Truth according to Mama. SINGLE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS UP. Why do I say this. Well let Mama tell you. We have nothing blinding us when it comes to relationships because the only relationship I am in is with myself and my stuffed Donald Duck. Somehow statistically I have more friends in relationships then are single. So I tend to get hit up a lot for advice. Maybe I should take this as a compliment that I give good advice but really, sometimes it just ridiculous. I have had those many moments when I wanted to slap a bitch for their blatant stupidity. Listen, I get you are "in love" I really do understand, but when you tell me about your relationship issues with stud muffin, and you ask me what do I think, I have about 10 seconds to determine whether you want my honest opinion or you want me to sugarcoat/fluffernutter my advice. In simplistic terms….either road you take, you are inevitably fucked. Let's take path number 2 for instance. Your bestie tells you about a fight with her mancake. She's obviously upset/angry and wants advice. The nice bones in my body say, hey, it's going to be ok. This is just a rough patch and you two will work it out. Yada yada yada. Hug and kisses. Laughable moments. Leave the starbucks that you met at and head back home. You go along with your wonderful bestie relationship of seeing eachother only once a month when said lover is away on a business trip and now they finally have time to squeeze you in. In most instances, this may be the way to go, however, it makes you feel like you are not a true friend because you just lied. Is it really ok to lie to save someone’s feelings?? I will say it's situational. How many times can you have the same conversation about the same topic over and over again every 3 months. It becomes repetitive and annoying. Now, let's take path number one, honesty. This is where it becomes difficult. You need to choose your words very carefully. This is Risky Business and not the Tom Cruise in his underwear one. The honest road is a long hard one, and not the good kind. If you nod your head and agree with your friend that her big daddy is really an asshole to her and she doesn’t deserve that shit, well hats off to you. You now have a gun to your head because this very sentence that you just said will come running back to you to slap you in the face later down the road. It’s like you wrote a death note in blood to the devil, and being the sneaky bastard he is, will never forget it. You are now “That Girl” that doesn’t like your friend’s pookie bear. Now I’m not saying that a friendship is going to come crashing down the minute you say these honest words, because I have had a good outcome from honesty. But I have been in the situation TIME AND TIME AGAIN when I give my honest opinion about douchlord bigelow and how he/she treats your friend like pond scum and they AGREE WITH YOU BUT…now here’s the kicker….THEY STAY WITH THEM?!?!?!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Then why are you asking me for my opinion? Clearly you just wanted to either vent or just waste my effing time when I could be getting a mani-pedi or fixing my online dating profile picture so that it doesn’t make me come off as desperate or fat. These people kill me.
What is the lesson us Single’s can learn from these events that will never end. We are just really good people that deserve the Nobel peace prize or at least free cheese dip with the purchase of a bag of soft pretzels. I would prefer the pretzels.
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