Adventure's in Speed Dating - Part Deux

If you cannot tell already, this night was more then I could have imagined. You could have written a book about the 3 hours that I spent trying to not kill myself slowly. I would have titled it, "After this night, I am glad I am alone" or "Please throw that Fucking bell at my head, a trip to the hospital wouldn't be the worst thing at this moment." After the first hour, I could not believe that this was actually happening. I tried to pinch myself to wake up from the nightmare, but really that never works. I would have rather had the reoccurring nightmare I have of a Great White Shark try to eat me alive than sit through another hour or more of this. But without it, I would not have a great warning ad/amazing story. I also believe that for the good deeds of being polite and engaging with these dweebs so really allow me a seat in heaven or at least a pass to free chic-fila sandwich. Either would do. So onward I go with part 2….

There was actually more girls than guys, so I had a 5 min break before Karthik (Car-thick) came to my table. I thought that would leave me enough time to make a run for it, but poor Elle would be left to fend for herself. It's wrong that I spent the whole 5 mins actually contemplating this, but I did. Karthik was quite a character. He decided to be "different" then the other dweebs and sit next to me on my couch instead of across from me. This was problem number 3 on his list, with 1 being his name, and 2 being he tried to portray that he had some type of game. Karthik applauded me that I knew how to pronounce his name……Really?? For your information this is not the first time I have been told, "wow, you are a smart one" for something so incredibly obvious. One day I will tell you about Elle and my adventure in Delaware and a boy named Smash. After getting over the fact that I actually paid attention to Hooked on Phonics as a child, karthik, thinking he has game, tries to cup a feel of my lady goods. I immediately want to vomit in my mouth but really my dress was adorable and I think I would have turned him on more. After a spelling lesson and almost being dry humped on the couch, the bell had rung already giving the signal to move it along, but karthik was above the system. In comes Mini horse.

I see this very short person staring at us. He proceeds to walk back and forth very aggressively. He then pulls the move of the century, He tattle tells on karthik for taking up more then the allotted time. I could not believe that this actually happened. As the lady comes over and ends my riveting conversation, Mini Horse trots on in, ON THE COUCH. He Steals karthik's move. Brilliant. Just brilliant. Right off the bat, I can tell he's an independent person and a free thinker. He sits down and makes me feel like I'm a giant. I'm 5;6. He proceeds to put his arm around me and tells me he is a lawyer from Philadelphia and has run about 23 ½ marathons. The quick-witted one that I am asked, "what, couldn't do any full marathons?" His expression immediately changes from stalker look to anger bear. He then asks me if I like to exercise. I tell him that I despise the gym, exercise minus getting up to change my DVD out, and that my eyes light up when I see/talk about food. He then pulls quite a ballsy move for a Dwarf. He spends his 3 mins left telling me that I should really get into running and how it is good for me. Well mini Horse, you have won me over by telling me that I need to exercise more and that you don't get sarcasm at all. Adios senior.

I then go through a slew of guys. Had some Police guys who were seemingly nice, but then after the 2^nd minute, couldn’t really think of things to say. Buddy, if you can’t talk to me about yourself, that’s a major problem. Who knows you better then you?!?! And they even give you a cheat sheet card of questions you may want to ask…really??? I can talk to a tree and make it my friend. When I have to consult a list of questions, you know I have hit rock bottom. In comes Dopey. When I first signed up for this event, I knew I would just be myself and find a good nerd to call my own. This was one of those moments that I wish I could rewind and actually not tell this guy where I work. Dopey was a special breed of what I’m not quite sure. I think he forgot to take his human pill that day. I process to tell him that I work for a pharmaceutical company. His eyes light up and he leans in closer. He tells me how the use of drugs and the taking of drugs. He says that coke is under rated and that it’s really not all that bad for you. I’m sitting there speechless. This guy actually asked me if I get to take home any free samples of drugs because I could sell them and he would help me. I blankly stare at him and say, “I really have no idea why you are single, and you seem like you’ve got it all figured out.” I tell him no I do not get to take the vaccine for HPV home with me. He proceeds to get upset by this statement and tells me that’s a real shame because he sells drugs and makes pretty good money out of it. He then takes my hand and leans in closer and says he wants to take me to an island somewhere and show me a good time. DING DING DING. The ringing saved my life…or I thought. There was one more guy left and I thought wow, 5 more fucking minutes of mindless dribble and I could leave. Enter hates Winter guy.

Last and certainly not least, Hates winter guy had to be my 2^nd favorite guy of the night. Not only did he successfully have the worst conversation with a person in history of conversations, but he also made me want to not socialize with humans for at least a week. He could not talk at all. Mama had to do all the hard labor here. Which normally I love to talk till my throat hurts, but that is usually involving someone else responding. This guy had nothing. This is how the conversation went:

Mama – So what’s your name?…..30 seconds later

HW – Hates winter

Mama – What do you like to do for fun…30 seconds later while looking around the room

HW – Well, I don’t like the winter, it is way too cold. I just stay in.

Mama – So you’re like a bear and hibernate?

….30 seconds later while fixing his Mickey Mouse Club style circa 1990 jacket.

HW – I just really hate the snow.

Mama – Ok so do you like sports or movies?

Hw – I hate sports….and I don’t like movies. (heart breaks and ears bleeding) The last movie I saw was the Da Vinci code (that was his first of many problems with this statement) and really…I just haven’t seen any since then. I like…50’s style movies.

This is the point that I thought the conversation would end. As the bell rang and I thought this epic night would be over and I could run to the nearest shower and wash off the nerd-debris. NO No…he continues to have awkward movement and conversation. But this was the pivotal moment. Not only did this guy sit there awkwardly, he actually has the AUDACITY to tell me that he likes the look of the organizer of the event and he wants to get her number. A thousand thoughts are running through my mind…DID THIS GUY JUST SAY THAT?? The main sequence that kept coming through like a freight train was that this guy was NOT INTERESTED IN ME but instead, the organizer in sparkle thigh high boots tickled his fancy. At this very moment….I hit rock bottom. I actually told Hates Winter that he should totally go for her and get her number, in fact, I offered to help him get it. This not only would stop the voices in my head from screaming but also would get me the fuck away from this guy. Now here comes my Jerry Springer Final Thoughts - Leaving aside the point that hates winter wanted himself a sparkly mess, I never felt better to be single in my life. This one moment made me not only feel great about myself as a person, but also feel grateful that I am not the only single gal in this world. What nerd enigma brought all these guys together into one room without the world exploding I will never fully know. What I do know is that….this was a great real world example as to why me being on my couch with Chipotle and an Arbor mist is so appealing to the masses of singles out there. I say to you oh fellow single….if you want to experience Speed Dating on your own, you clearly got nothing out of this story and to quote that bedroom intruder song guy, “ you are dumb, you are so dumb.”

Next Post – Single Girl seeks Psychic guidance.