As a fully single lady, I tend to get a lot more reminders of my single hood through the mass forms of media. If I had a nickel for every time I heard a radio commercial for "Event's and Adventures", I'd be a fucking millionaire and could buy my own husband. Preferably one who has a Castle. It's not that I don't think these single events are helpful, maybe for some people they are but, they just seem to be a weird platform. I decided one day in a moment of sheer desperation to give Speed Dating a try. Not alone of course, but with Elle*, my partner in crime.
Now I must warn you, what you are about to read in the next few paragraphs is a REAL ACCOUNT. The names have been changed to conceal the identity of these poor bastards. If at any time you feel yourself being attracted to one of these guys, please, just close out of this blog and return to your life in front of your tv with Dawson’s Creek Reruns. Please keep all fluids away from your computer and body at this time, trust me, you will thank me later. There is definetly a lot to say, so this may become a two parter.
Elle* and I are two fully single ladies. After being sickened by the sight of one engagement after another on the Deathbook, we decide that we need to take things to the next level. We decide that Speed dating would be a good idea. What could go wrong? It worked in the movie Hitch…it worked on the Gilmore Girls. We find an age appropriate group and sign up. Saturday night rolls around and us ladies are dressed to the nine’s. The angels cried and the doves were chirping as we made our way into the city.
As we made it to our destination, I park Black Magic in a safe location, all tucked away. We make our way to the Crocodile Lounge. When we walk upstairs, we see nothing but a lot of tables….and a lot of random people. A colorful mixture of singles if you will. I scope the room, looking for a potential hand holder. Now, I say this with the utmost serious face and demeanor – there is not one guy in that room I would have remotely given my number to or bumped uglies with. I don’t even think I would have given my old retired AIM screen name. I mean these nerds could have found me from “Nsync62886” that was too much information. The bar started to resemble a 50’s dance, boys on one side, girls on the other. Elle and I gave each other the look that…maybe, we should suck it up on the money we wasted on this god forsaken night and go to the Sonic Drive in. Ding Ding went the bell, and it was too late. Earlier we had discussed that we didn’t want to sit with each other. If there is one thing I don’t need people hearing, is me attempting to flirt with a man. it involves a lot of 1st grade terminology and hair twirling. After seeing the pick of the litter, we said there was no way in hell we were separating. AND AWAY WE WENT…..
First guy up, let’s call him harry. I don’t remember his real name, but I will call him Harry because he was seeing a midnight showing of Harry Potter that night at the Franklin Institute. Based upon that fact alone, I should have left with this guy. But then after telling Elle he wanted a Sponge bath from a Nurse, his redeeming quality of Harry and the gang went right out the window. Up next, let’s call him Mufasa. No this is not a racial slur, more so the fact that I am currently listening to the Lion King soundtrack on Pandora and he was off the boat from Africa. Put 2 and 2 together BAM. Mufasa. So Mufasa was a special man. He did not allow me to get one word in. For those that know me well, this is an impossible feet, because to be frank, I don’t shut the fuck up. He asked me my name, and then he said I looked exotic, like I was Italian. I politely said yes, Im Italian Amer..before I could even finish, He began to tell me that if I looked back on my heritage, I could have black people in my family. Because African people took a boat to Italy and basically invaded that shit up. My words clearly, not his. He then proceeded to tell me about a country song, named after me. And if the next thought in your mind was dear lord I hope he sang that to her, Then you just won a Prize. He grabbed my hand and sang the country song to me. I don’t know if I was more surprised that this man was actually singing to me or that his African accent was really ruining the country jamboree.
Next up was Lee. If I could pinpoint one thing about Lee that made him stand out from the crowd….no it was not the giant boil on his face that was screaming at me or the fact that his hair was a worse comb over then the Trump, no no, it was more the fact that his voice sounded like his balls did not drop at birth. With every word that came out of his mouth, my ears would bleed. He did have a successful job in computer software development. But the thought of listening to that voice every day of my life made me cringe. We would inevitably have to have a text based relationship only. But really there is only so many abbreviations that I can come up with for Boil Removal without sounding like a nasty honey badger.
Next up…was my favorite guy of all. Let’s call him Tony. Ah Tony. In under 5 minutes, you successfully changed my life. Apparently, when you sign up for an age range, that’s really all a lie. 24-35 in real life means Elle and I are the only under 30 people and everyone else is above 40. Tony looked like he was pushing 42. At first I felt bad for him. He seemed like a nice guy. I was polite and we had a nice conversation going about jobs. And then, I apparently made him nervous or something. He proceeded to have a long winded facial spasm. Every word was another movement and contortion of his face. God I sound like an asshole, but really, it looked like his was trying to play a fly catching game with his body. His mouth was so wide open and his face was moving so fast, left to right to up and down. If you want to see this in live action, Send me a personal message or an email and I will gladly video conference you in and show you the free show.
This concludes part one….Part 2 is even better. Apparently A mini horse look alike lawyer started to pick a fight and I met a guy that hadn’t been to a movie since 2002 and hated winter.
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