Single Gal Goes Online

As I have previously posted, every which way I turn, a reminder that I am single is lurking around me like a heavy breathing stalker or a tasty cake taunting me. Turn on your tv and you see the wonderful ads for online dating. As a single gal, I ventured down this path and I can say without a doubt, it is the most uncomfortable thing I have even done in my life. I was more comfortable watching American Pie with my mom and Dad.

Nevertheless, I made an online profile on a dating site . My online experience is full of awkward turtle moments, hilarity, and my personal favorite, “Are you effing Kidding me??” I hit an all time low after the speed dating debacle of 2010. I needed something exciting and thrilling, maybe a text or a dirty message of some sort, I’m not picky here.. A little male attention can really go a long way, but not from Mini horse or hates winter, been there done that, still washing my eyes and ears from the agony. I did it up. I put up the pictures that I thought flattered me and made sure not to show any of my chunk. My profile was sincere and cute and witty, it was me. I of course left out any mama references, because he can meet her later. Anyways, It started out ok, a wink here and there from some cute guys and some weirdos of course. The weirdos are the ones that would either A.) send me emails in text speak aka btw ur rly ct let’s tlk soon. B.) would send me their life story. My favorite one was the guy that told me how he never had a previous relationship, been online for 2 years, gave me his number and address and already picked out a place for us to meet…….Dude…You didn’t even tell me your name don’t pick out our wedding china already. And C.) I LOVE when the weirdos would SEND ME THEIR NUMBER. ON THE FIRST EMAIL! Really?? Really??? I am not going to call you or text you. The only thing I am going to do with that number is send it to Homeland security. I know not all online experiences have been bad for people, maybe just for me since I have a black cloud over my head, but I have seen first hand successes of this. I did have an experience….and clearly I am going to share it with you all. Get ready…and GO.

A few months ago, I got a wink from this guy, let’s call him …Jar Jar Binks JJB for short. My star wars reference has significance which I will most definitely get to. He was cute from his pictures and his profile didn’t read stalkerish/pedofile. I winked back cautiously. We exchanged pleasantries through a few emails and it was going very well. We had a lot in common and actually graduated from the same college. Points for Jar Jar. He had a good job and what seemed to be a normal lifestyle. I was intrigued. We actually exchanged REAL email addresses and phone numbers. I was actually surprised by how well this was going. We started talking once every couple of days to everyday online or text. Gchat…you wonderful yet demonic tool. It was pretty adorable. After about a few weeks of solid talking, we decided to meet up….and this is where the fun began. Now, maybe this is just me in my own world, but when you are first meeting someone, I dress to impress. First impressions really do stick. We decided to meet at a casual bar, so I didn’t Fully Dress up, but cute business casual. Clearly I am nervous, for all I know, Binksy could have been a 70-year-old man trying to get some last life lovin. Or he could totally just not show up at all, actually going back on all of this that would have been the better option. I made the trek to Philly. I enter the bar and could not find him at first, but then…there he was. O…M…G…..JJ BLEW first impression out the window. Now, he is an enginerd which is basically my key demographic for love, so I was expecting Khaki’s, polo, nice shoes (my heart is swooning over just typing this, and a little drool as well)That is not what I got. I got Baseball hat, long pants with cuts in them, sandals, a tee shirt WITH a flannel short sleeve shirt over it, unbuttoned. Now, You are probably thinking, ok could be worse. NO NO NO. I need to describe this shirt to you. It still haunts my dreams at night. You know what, I will do you one better, I will SHOW YOU this shirt.

If you think your computer is doing something weird, its not, it’s just the shirt. And to answer your next question, Yes that is C3po and the Tin man from the Wizard of Oz dooking it out for what I am going to call the Nerdiest shirt of all time. Now, Normally I don’t care about tee shirts and what they have on them. I mean, you are talking to a girl who owns about 20 Disney shirts that I am not ashamed of and wear on a normal day basis, but for a first meeting with someone…Really???

He then proceeds to drink…a lot. I think he had about 8 beers within an hour. He was trying to teach me about different beers while hitting on the bar tender. It was really a special moment. On a first date, there are some ground rules. Keep it simple, keep it light, and keep it real…No fluffernuttering here folks. I do not want to hear about how you can’t pay bills on time and how you don’t know how to pay online. I don’t want to hear that you live behind a graveyard and you have seen bones pop up in your back yard. I do not want you to invite me to the shore with you and your family when I JUST EFFING MET YOU!! I don’t want to hear about your credit card debt. When you ask what would I like to eat, and I tell you anything but that…then you pick that….CLEARLY your listening skills are top notch. I can see why you are single. I was leaving for vacation the next day for a week, and had not started to pack, so I did warn the poor bastard that I had to cut the “date” short. This was not made up. But I’m glad I had this escape. As he walked me to my car, we had an awkward ending to this GLORIOUS hell of an evening. We exchanged half hugs, and left it at we should do this again. As I sat in Black Magic, I pondered, ok, maybe this was just a bad first one, I can give this kid one more chance. Maybe, Maybe. Ok yea I will give Jar Jar one more chance to redeem himself. This is the kicker. I can’t even believe this happened, and it was SOO unexpected. I went online the next day before I left on vacation to say bye and that I “had a nice time” He said yea same here and we would talk when I got back. When I returned from vacation, I signed online and got no Im from him. Ballsy I am, I Imed him…OOOOOOOOOO SNAP. I do the casual HEYA. And here is the kicker…no response back. Now this is what I hate about Gchat, because of course, a million thoughts are running through my mind…WTF IS HAPPENEING IS he Busy? Is he ignoring me? Did I do something wrong?? Is Jar Jar Binking someone else??? 3 hours go by and HE IS STILL GREEN. This is bullshit to mama. I then Im him and say hey, I don’t know if you are busy or something or if you just don’t want to talk anymore, just let me know either way and I will go along my merry way. He responds and says hey yea im super swamped today, talk to you later. Now, this happened normally for us online as we have real jobs that actually require us to not be Chatting online during work hours. (I know I couldn’t keep a straight face while typing that either…bahahaha) This im occurred 2 months, 5 days, and 8 hours ago. I never did get to talk to him later. What really butters my buns is, WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!?! I can make friends with trees and homeless men. I could not believe this rejection happened. So continues my cycle of lack of confidence and scarring from online dating. Thanks Jar Jar Binks. You did me dirty.

Insert Beyonce Hit Single here....

Have ever found yourself on a friday night alone, watching reruns of the Golden Girls while eating Ben and Jerry's with a side of Ben and Jerry? Do you find yourself passing a pet store and seeing cats in the window and think to yourself, "Gee, Fluffy and Ms. Purrty sure look adorable, they would keep me warm at night." Do you have a pile of Harry Potter books that look like they have seen better days because not only are they a genius written work of art that should be worshipped on sacred ground, but you would rather spend your night alone with Harry and the gang then with your friends at a bar where no one knows your name?

Well my friend, you have found yourself not only a new distraction to the work days but also, someone who is going through exactly what you are. No no it's not a mental illness, it's in fact called SINGLE. Single is what we are, and what we hope to get rid of....or do we? I am not going to lie when I say I love me a night home in my sweats with a taco in one hand and my Wii remote in another. That's a top notch quality evening. But Single is not going to cure itself ladies. It's a living breathing thing that continues it's ugly cycle until somebody puts a ring on it. Thanks Beyonce, I feel better now that you have told the men out there that if they indeed like it...they should put on a ring on it. But for right now, I'm not focusing on the ring factor. Right now, I just want to focus on the now.

There are only a few things you need to know about me - The first is that like you, I am Fully single. By that I mean I have no prospect, no crush, not even a solid texter to call my own. Therefore I am fully single. Secondly, I like you am trying to roll with the punches of single life in this world. I have thought carefully about canceling my Facebook account so that the screaming/crying/rage will end with every engagement/marriage/baby announcement I see pop up on my newsfeed. And Thirdly I think cats are annoying.

I hope with this blog you will join me in a stance that SINGLE is not only a fun activity for the masses...but will put you at ease that you are not alone out there my friend. I am here to put a little laughter into a dull day.

Next up - My Speed Dating Adventure with Facial Tick guy.