The Year of the Bat

Well, it’s 2012. Get out your pots and pans to bang and celebrate that nothing has changed, including my relationship status. I think the day that happens, Facebook will not know what to do with itself. It will literally shut down. I’m still single, I still live with my 3 roomates, and I still sleep with a stuffed Donald Duck. All in all, nothing has changed. Yes, I have made some resolutions like any normal human being. Loose more weight, move out, What I can tell you is that my outlook on the opposite sex has really been a laughable one. In the past 3 weeks, I have had the weirdest interactions with boys that one girl never imagines would happen to her. To say that 2012 has been off to a banner start is quite the understatement. I still am trying to process the events of New Years as I piece together the great puzzle. It saddens me that I have met nothing but the Princes of the land of Douche recently. What it up with that?? It’s only a matter of time until I meet the King of Douche. That is when I will explode into the atmosphere and I will ensue the plagues upon the earth. My favorite was the plague of darkness and boils. I will make it pitch black so that the douches can’t find their way to their next victim. And then I will cover their body in boils just for fun. WOAH anger issues. Anyway back to the Year of the Bat. This is how it all began.

New years - I will give you the Highlights magazine version with Goofus and Gallant. Gallant tells you you’re pretty and treats you nice. Goofus ignores you until he is drunk, Gallant shows his interest and you share a kiss or two or three. Goofus also has his eye on another lady in your group. Gallant facebook messages you for your number. Goofus facebook messages other girl for her number at the same time. Goofus becomes a Lord of Doucheland. A week later when I see this winner at a bar, he’s macking on someone else, right up on me, no literally on my back. Well Done sir. You have completed your course load for Masters in Jackassness. In case you haven’t caught on yet, Goofus and Gallant are the same guy. This LOD really must have a pair of platinum balls to pull this off. Does he think I am stupid? I guess Goofus was trying to keep his options open. It’s one thing to pull the Dick move, but it’s another thing to think you can pull this off. Goofus….I see through your lies and your deception. I just don’t understand guys like this. It’s one thing to have a random hook up, it’s another to pull a dick move. Congratulations sir, Your diploma is in the mail.

On the Eve of said Back Embrace, Snickers is at the bar witnessing this blessed event. She is also sitting next to another winner. I am trying to be cool about the situation and just shrug it off. The guy next to her, let’s call him Gully. Gully was a special gentleman. He was clearly hitting the bar hard. This was my first time meeting Gully. And it would become one of the most memorable nights of my life. Gully doesn’t even say hi to me. He just says to me “You look like you have a secret…tell me your secret” Well hello there Gully, nice to meet you too. I honestly don’t know what came over my body and mind. It could have been the couple of shots I had prior to this conversation or the fact that I was eyeing a Jeremy Renner look a like at the other end of the bar and I felt like I was on my game as he was eyeing me back. LOD who??? I tell Gully that I can’t tell him my secret because then it’s not a secret. Gully gives me the puppy eyes and I cave. This is exactly how the conversation went, word for word.

Mama – OK Gully, I will tell you my secret. I think you are worthy enough. But you have to promise not to tell a soul, or this could be dangerous for you.

Gully – OK I’m excited.

Mama – Lean in closer Gully, Lean in closer.

20 Second pause……….

Mama – I…..Am batman.

MIND BLOWN. THAT JUST HAPPENED. HOLY CHEESE BALLS>…**ooo cheese I’m hungry**

This kid….this poor little lamb. He believed me. Snickers tried with every fiber of her being not to bust out laughing. I could see her almost about to cry with joy. What makes this situation better, is that not only did this kid believe that I was Batman, But He threw down some bones(wow I sounded fierce) for drinks for Batman. Batman has to drink too! This happened for the rest of the night. I was playing this guy like a fiddle. I fully took on this role of batman. I may have told him where I keep my bat mobile, without sounding dirty. There may have been many jokes also about he Dark Knight Rising……yea. Sidenote – Jeremy Renner look a like….had a girlfriend. BOO. This is what happens to me all the time. Either they have a girlfriend or they hook up with another girl right on your back.. No luck for mama.

With this all being said. I really want to have a better outlook for 2012. It may have not started off of a good note, but I would like it to be a better year for me. I want this to be an exciting year of new challenges and great times. This is the year that it all happens. This is the Year of the Bat. If you need me….just send up the Bat Signal.

Single Gal is reminded she's single...Just in Case she forgot.

As the Holiday season approaches, some of my most favorite things happen all at once. Whether it’s a great shopping deal aka $.99 dvd's, Time off from work, the snow, scented candles, and of course and most importantly, the food. I look forward to soup belly like it's going out of style and of course the meal of sides. My family has traditions for Christmas like most families do. Every Christmas Eve we have the 7 fishes. Being part Italian has its perks as every meal comes with pasta and never ending carbs. Yum. But even with all the trimmings and all the glamour and all the amazing cheese I put over everything, I can not forget one of the most infamous traditions of the holidays or any family get together in general. It's quite possible my favorite thing of all time. The greatest gift of all for the holidays, is one question that even Santa can't help me with. It's 5 words that make me want to reach for a hammer and keep hitting til I finally feel something. "How is your love life?"

You have been there before I am sure. This is not brand new information. But let me set up the scenario for you. There are two possible ways this goes, and both are just one tasty treat after the other. Here is Scenario 1. I am sitting by the fire almost in a food coma from all the deliciousness that I just shoveled in my mouth. It's basically my version of heaven. My uncle comes up to me and asks the same questions that any family member would. How's Work going and How is your love life? Every single time this fucking question comes up and I want to stab myself in the eye. I always have the same answer. Work is busy and what love life? (Insert Popeye laugh here) Yea I try to make a joke of it, but in reality it's not joking matter. As if I have forgotten that I am single, I mean hell I live this reality every day. I know that I have no love life, and really, I am ok with it. It doesn’t bother me that the closest thing I have to a love life is buying People's Sexiest Man of the Year and cutting out Renee Zellwegger's face and inserting my own so I'm with the true mancake of my dreams, Bradley Cooper. (insert quiver here) The true nature of this beast is that not only is the question heart wrenching, but the follow up face is priceless. Like a Cherry on a fucking shit cake. You know the face. The face is the awkward head movement slightly slanting to the side, eyes getting squinty, the lips do this Elvis looking thing up to the side, and then they say the worst words in the human language…."Oh, it's ok." WHHHAAATTTTT. Angry bear mad. Angry bear want another piece of bread. Are you fucking kidding me? A million thoughts run through my brain. The First is dear jesus I'm a pathetic loser. The second is Why wouldn't it be ok? Why would it NOT BE OK??? The third is internal crying. And the fourth is can I have another bowl of pasta? The real thing is this question shouldn't bother me. I'm pretty happy being single at the moment. I have written about this in previous blog posts. I never have an issue being single until someone brings it up or I'm in a situation I don't want to be in. Like being invited to dinner and you realize out of the 7 people invited, you are the only single one and they are all coupled with eachother. One of my personal favorites is when other family members talk about their kids in relationships. Bring in scenario #2.

Another shitfest burrito is when other family members who you see less often then your immediate ones come into the mix and really make you feel like you have hit an all time low. I love it even more when my heart drops as they begin to tell me stories about how their children are married, have a boyfriend, or my top joy is when someone younger then me is in a long term relationship. …….seriously??? Am I missing something? Omg wait…I forgot about this little gem. When they actually begin to feel sorry for you. FEEL SORRY FOR ME??? SORRY FOR WHAT?? That I don't fit the standard mold of a 20 something year old? Is there a standard? Did I miss this memo. I miss a lot of memos. Apparently I missed the one about putting feathers in your hair and wearing shorts with tights underneath during the winter.

I think this year I may fight back. Viva la Revolution de single. Yea I don't know if that's right. My Spanish in high school consisted of Selena on repeat and Mexican dip I would make. This year, I am going to make it my obligation to stand up for my singleness. If I see that face move or guilty undertones, I am gonna respond with, "Don't feel sorry for me" Ok maybe not that, bc I don’t have the balls to pull that off, or the fight club persona. Unless street Amanda comes out. Then I would watch out. It's like Hulk..single style. I want to have a great holiday season minus the drama.

This Christmas Season….Santa…I ask for one thing and one thing only. I want Bradley Cooper on my front doorstep with a bag of marble rye and some cold cuts. If he happens to feed me a sandwich I wouldn’t oppose.

Happy Holidays to my lovely fellow Singles!!!

Viva la Revolution de single!!!!!!!

My Personal Circle of Life

It wasn’t too long ago that as a young teen I had my first job. It wasn’t anything crazy, but it was a good job right across the street from my house with my roommate’s aka parents. I got paid well, and for a teen, that meant it helped support my Bath and Body Works addiction along with my feeding frenzies at Taco Bell. ....If I knew what I know now, I would go back in time, slap the taco out of my hand, smack myself in the face in shame, and then proceed to pick up the taco and eat it.

I met many walks of life at my job. Going to an all girls high school clearly sheltered my social life, and this greatly helped as people of the opposite sex actually worked there and communicated with you. There tended to be some hot mancakes mixed with socially awkward creepers, and of course, the bat shit crazy old men. It’s been quite a while since my days in the floral department, but since I’m still living at home with said roommates, I do tend to walk into my old job from time to time. This is where my life has come full circle. I want to preface this by saying I am not a bitch and nor did I want to be one in this situation, but sweet nibblets, my life is effed up sometimes. Here is yet another story where I get put into a compromising position that I swear only happens to me and no one comes to my rescue. This is no Disney Story…I have no prince on a white horse. Thanks a lot Disney. You have ruined my dreams……omg just typing that out I have become uneasy. Disney I love you. OK, back to the story.

It was a lovely Sunday afternoon, and I got the urge to eat healthy. These urges happen often and then are followed by me sitting alone at my kitchen table eating a block of cheese. My 1 roommate does the food shopping and I decided to tag along. That was mistake number one. We had picked up my assorted healthy items to make this bangin salad I eat religiously at panera. Another story for another time, because I am drooling on my keyboard just thinking about it. Anways…After I picked out my salad fixins, Roommate #1 still needs to get 1 more item for Roommate #2. I offered to get it. This would become mistake #2. As I proceed down the Dairy aisle, I feel a disturbance in the force. This is when I am approached by what can only be described as an ogre lurking behind me. I feel heavy breathing and panting. And this is the moment…the moment where I hit rock bottom in my life of Singlehood. I am approached by this manboy. I knew him before when I used to work there. We were never friends really, but I knew of him and he knew of me. He was the all around guy that would basically help at the store doing whatever, mostly janitorial work. The story around him was that he was very quiet, socially awkward, and lived with his mother. I never had a problem with him. I was always polite to him. Anyways, I am just buttering you up before bitch comes out to play. Ogre comes up to me and says only 3 things to me. 3 things that changed my life forever.

First thing – “Hey are you the girl that used to work in floral?” Why yes Ogre, I was, thanks for remembering my name. Best part was…he didn’t ask my name. Keep this in mind as the riveting conversation furthers.

2^nd thing – “Are you dating anyone?” I should have seen this coming and I smack myself across the face everyday for actually telling the truth. Well no Ogre, Actually I’m not dating anyone. Note to single ladies out there….just say “why yes, I actually am dating someone, he is a beefcake with a PHD and a butt chin.”

Now as I am sure all of you are smarter then me, You would have already guessed where this is going. I was so flustered by this illuminating conversation or the cold of the dairy aisle that my sense of consciousness went right out the window.

3^rd thing – “Can I have your number” NOW…this is where I get aggravated and annoyed and crazy. I have 4 words to describe this. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? What do you say to something like this? I was at a loss of words, which doesn’t happen very often….actually it doesn’t happen at all. And when I don’t talk people get nervous. A million thoughts are running through my head in under 10 seconds. Shit Shit Shit was the first. Followed by where the fuck is my ROOMATE!!!??? and ending with oh holy mother of god ANSWER SOMETHING so the lambs stop screaming. Note – THIS GUY DOESN”T EVEN KNOW MY NAME. What makes this even better is that after I turn him down, he tried to persuade me by telling me that he just moved out to his own place. ……….southpark eyes moving side to side……..This guy is 40 years old. Excuse me sir, if you are 40 and just getting your own place, that’s a deal breaker.

I commend guys for having the balls to do this, or at least extra balls to do this, but really dude? We have never ever talked before this very weird moment and this is what you’re puling all the stops with? At least offer me a coupon or something for half off the salad bar or something. Reel me in. GET TO KNOW MAMA before you just ask me for my number. I mean I know we are in the dairy aisle, but if you wanted to talk, I would have talked. I love talking about me! ha-ha

I politely turned him down and of course it became awkward turtle extreme. I will say this to my defense, if this was any guy at all at a bar or in a normal social setting where my roommate was involved, I would have turned them down too. I just can’t comprehend this in my brain. Why is it always the guys you don’t have interest in ask you for your number or hit on you or shake their broom in your general direction. Where are you dreamsicle mancake? I don’t want to sound like a judgmental asshole, but really, I have no qualms with you being a janitor, I’m just not interested. As I walked out of the supermarket, all hot and sweaty from running and screaming wildly in my mind, I proceeded to find my roommate already checked out wondering where I WAS?? REALLY??? REALY?? WHERE WERE YOU 10 minutes ago when I needed a safety net or at the very least a good scare like you used to do to all the boys at grade school dances who would not leave room for the holy spirit. Don’t worry, I gave my roommate an ear full on the 2 minute car ride home about supermarket protocol and the art of dating in the dairy aisle.

This is my life. My own personal circle of life. Except in this scenario, I feel like a Warthog/Pumba being oogled by Hyenas. Pumba wants no parts of the Hyenas. Pumba wants a fellow Warthog to hakuna matata/bink with. damnit. Now I have the song in my head. Til next time…be aware of the Dairy aisle.

Single Gal Goes Online

As I have previously posted, every which way I turn, a reminder that I am single is lurking around me like a heavy breathing stalker or a tasty cake taunting me. Turn on your tv and you see the wonderful ads for online dating. As a single gal, I ventured down this path and I can say without a doubt, it is the most uncomfortable thing I have even done in my life. I was more comfortable watching American Pie with my mom and Dad.

Nevertheless, I made an online profile on a dating site . My online experience is full of awkward turtle moments, hilarity, and my personal favorite, “Are you effing Kidding me??” I hit an all time low after the speed dating debacle of 2010. I needed something exciting and thrilling, maybe a text or a dirty message of some sort, I’m not picky here.. A little male attention can really go a long way, but not from Mini horse or hates winter, been there done that, still washing my eyes and ears from the agony. I did it up. I put up the pictures that I thought flattered me and made sure not to show any of my chunk. My profile was sincere and cute and witty, it was me. I of course left out any mama references, because he can meet her later. Anyways, It started out ok, a wink here and there from some cute guys and some weirdos of course. The weirdos are the ones that would either A.) send me emails in text speak aka btw ur rly ct let’s tlk soon. B.) would send me their life story. My favorite one was the guy that told me how he never had a previous relationship, been online for 2 years, gave me his number and address and already picked out a place for us to meet…….Dude…You didn’t even tell me your name don’t pick out our wedding china already. And C.) I LOVE when the weirdos would SEND ME THEIR NUMBER. ON THE FIRST EMAIL! Really?? Really??? I am not going to call you or text you. The only thing I am going to do with that number is send it to Homeland security. I know not all online experiences have been bad for people, maybe just for me since I have a black cloud over my head, but I have seen first hand successes of this. I did have an experience….and clearly I am going to share it with you all. Get ready…and GO.

A few months ago, I got a wink from this guy, let’s call him …Jar Jar Binks JJB for short. My star wars reference has significance which I will most definitely get to. He was cute from his pictures and his profile didn’t read stalkerish/pedofile. I winked back cautiously. We exchanged pleasantries through a few emails and it was going very well. We had a lot in common and actually graduated from the same college. Points for Jar Jar. He had a good job and what seemed to be a normal lifestyle. I was intrigued. We actually exchanged REAL email addresses and phone numbers. I was actually surprised by how well this was going. We started talking once every couple of days to everyday online or text. Gchat…you wonderful yet demonic tool. It was pretty adorable. After about a few weeks of solid talking, we decided to meet up….and this is where the fun began. Now, maybe this is just me in my own world, but when you are first meeting someone, I dress to impress. First impressions really do stick. We decided to meet at a casual bar, so I didn’t Fully Dress up, but cute business casual. Clearly I am nervous, for all I know, Binksy could have been a 70-year-old man trying to get some last life lovin. Or he could totally just not show up at all, actually going back on all of this that would have been the better option. I made the trek to Philly. I enter the bar and could not find him at first, but then…there he was. O…M…G…..JJ BLEW first impression out the window. Now, he is an enginerd which is basically my key demographic for love, so I was expecting Khaki’s, polo, nice shoes (my heart is swooning over just typing this, and a little drool as well)That is not what I got. I got Baseball hat, long pants with cuts in them, sandals, a tee shirt WITH a flannel short sleeve shirt over it, unbuttoned. Now, You are probably thinking, ok could be worse. NO NO NO. I need to describe this shirt to you. It still haunts my dreams at night. You know what, I will do you one better, I will SHOW YOU this shirt.

If you think your computer is doing something weird, its not, it’s just the shirt. And to answer your next question, Yes that is C3po and the Tin man from the Wizard of Oz dooking it out for what I am going to call the Nerdiest shirt of all time. Now, Normally I don’t care about tee shirts and what they have on them. I mean, you are talking to a girl who owns about 20 Disney shirts that I am not ashamed of and wear on a normal day basis, but for a first meeting with someone…Really???

He then proceeds to drink…a lot. I think he had about 8 beers within an hour. He was trying to teach me about different beers while hitting on the bar tender. It was really a special moment. On a first date, there are some ground rules. Keep it simple, keep it light, and keep it real…No fluffernuttering here folks. I do not want to hear about how you can’t pay bills on time and how you don’t know how to pay online. I don’t want to hear that you live behind a graveyard and you have seen bones pop up in your back yard. I do not want you to invite me to the shore with you and your family when I JUST EFFING MET YOU!! I don’t want to hear about your credit card debt. When you ask what would I like to eat, and I tell you anything but that…then you pick that….CLEARLY your listening skills are top notch. I can see why you are single. I was leaving for vacation the next day for a week, and had not started to pack, so I did warn the poor bastard that I had to cut the “date” short. This was not made up. But I’m glad I had this escape. As he walked me to my car, we had an awkward ending to this GLORIOUS hell of an evening. We exchanged half hugs, and left it at we should do this again. As I sat in Black Magic, I pondered, ok, maybe this was just a bad first one, I can give this kid one more chance. Maybe, Maybe. Ok yea I will give Jar Jar one more chance to redeem himself. This is the kicker. I can’t even believe this happened, and it was SOO unexpected. I went online the next day before I left on vacation to say bye and that I “had a nice time” He said yea same here and we would talk when I got back. When I returned from vacation, I signed online and got no Im from him. Ballsy I am, I Imed him…OOOOOOOOOO SNAP. I do the casual HEYA. And here is the kicker…no response back. Now this is what I hate about Gchat, because of course, a million thoughts are running through my mind…WTF IS HAPPENEING IS he Busy? Is he ignoring me? Did I do something wrong?? Is Jar Jar Binking someone else??? 3 hours go by and HE IS STILL GREEN. This is bullshit to mama. I then Im him and say hey, I don’t know if you are busy or something or if you just don’t want to talk anymore, just let me know either way and I will go along my merry way. He responds and says hey yea im super swamped today, talk to you later. Now, this happened normally for us online as we have real jobs that actually require us to not be Chatting online during work hours. (I know I couldn’t keep a straight face while typing that either…bahahaha) This im occurred 2 months, 5 days, and 8 hours ago. I never did get to talk to him later. What really butters my buns is, WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!?! I can make friends with trees and homeless men. I could not believe this rejection happened. So continues my cycle of lack of confidence and scarring from online dating. Thanks Jar Jar Binks. You did me dirty.

Where's my card Bitch!?!?!

Like many normal human beings, trips to Target just come with everyday life. You also know that there is no way on this freaking planet that you can just walk into that store without spending, MINIMUM, $50. Ain’t that a bitch? God I love Target. I buy the essentials and the most random shit that I probably won’t need for another year later, but I had to get. Elle and I had a lovely lady dinner that consisted of amazing Mexican with mystery cheese that I want to bathe in. Afterwards, we made a trip to Target aka the place I spend my savings in. As we make our way into the store, Elle says she needs a card. I walked down each of the designated places, “Birthday, Wedding, Baby, Sympathy.” It dawned on me, as a single lady, I only get the two extremes, celebration of birth and death. That is just the most depressing, fucked up thing ever. Where are the cards for , “Congratulations, you lived with your parents aka your roomates and saved money!!!” or “Good job champ, you didn’t get an STD because you stay home on the weekends.” What makes me even more annoyed about Hallmark or any card store for that matter, not only that fact that I’m so sick of buying cards for other people’s decisions….actually no that’s really it. Where are my friggin cards?!?!? I made decisions in my life that deserve cards. I am going to make a petition for ALL MY SINGLE PEOPLE. Here are some suggestions that I have made myself for possible single people card line:

Congratulations on having your facebook relationship status stay single for more then a year

Your online profile is looking awesome, here is to hoping you find your nerd love today

Great job on getting through a wedding season without wanting to throw yourself in front of a bus

You have survived yet another year of not being set up on a date by anyone, not even your grandmom.

What really gets my panties in a bunch every single time I walk into a card store, is you are set up for failure. I know what you are thinking right now, oh boo who, little single girl is sad because she doesn’t get cards. Damn right I am punk. What if marriage doesn’t happen for me? Oh what about if I don’t have a baby? Are there cards for that? Are there cards for, “Sorry your vagina will not be seeing the light of day or having a human being squeezed out of it.” What about the card for not spending thousands of dollars on a wedding dress, but instead putting that money towards a vacation or stacks of Uggs with that fresh sheepskin lining or cookies. Hallmark..I say TOOF to you, and your non-supportive nature of the singles!

Single Ladies give the Best dating advice….you don't listen. Stupid.

Us single’s have the advantage of clarity and too much free time. We have the realistic approach and appreciation for what life has to offer aka the Victoria’s Secret Semi annual sale where I buy lacey underwear that no one will see but myself and the sales woman. For our Non-single friends who have jumped the ship into full on relationship status, their view on life has become eschewed with planning dinners together, time for hand holding, and the great all night phone sessions. These relationships all fresh and exciting like a new purse or in my case a newly packaged DVD of The Hills. Then 3 months in come the pains, the moans, and the occasional cry fest. I’ve seen it all and lived it all on the other side of singledom. Nothing fools me anymore; in fact, I feel as a single person it is my civic duty to help these poor unfortunate souls try to see the light. This of course comes at a price. Which leads me to my topic.

I have been put in “give me advice” situations more then I can ever calculate…and I'm a freaking estimator. I calculate shit for my job/facebook/blog/gchat. I have been on both sides of the spectrum on this and trust me…it ain't pretty. So Listen and Listen good. This is the Truth according to Mama. SINGLE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS UP. Why do I say this. Well let Mama tell you. We have nothing blinding us when it comes to relationships because the only relationship I am in is with myself and my stuffed Donald Duck. Somehow statistically I have more friends in relationships then are single. So I tend to get hit up a lot for advice. Maybe I should take this as a compliment that I give good advice but really, sometimes it just ridiculous. I have had those many moments when I wanted to slap a bitch for their blatant stupidity. Listen, I get you are "in love" I really do understand, but when you tell me about your relationship issues with stud muffin, and you ask me what do I think, I have about 10 seconds to determine whether you want my honest opinion or you want me to sugarcoat/fluffernutter my advice. In simplistic terms….either road you take, you are inevitably fucked. Let's take path number 2 for instance. Your bestie tells you about a fight with her mancake. She's obviously upset/angry and wants advice. The nice bones in my body say, hey, it's going to be ok. This is just a rough patch and you two will work it out. Yada yada yada. Hug and kisses. Laughable moments. Leave the starbucks that you met at and head back home. You go along with your wonderful bestie relationship of seeing eachother only once a month when said lover is away on a business trip and now they finally have time to squeeze you in. In most instances, this may be the way to go, however, it makes you feel like you are not a true friend because you just lied. Is it really ok to lie to save someone’s feelings?? I will say it's situational. How many times can you have the same conversation about the same topic over and over again every 3 months. It becomes repetitive and annoying. Now, let's take path number one, honesty. This is where it becomes difficult. You need to choose your words very carefully. This is Risky Business and not the Tom Cruise in his underwear one. The honest road is a long hard one, and not the good kind. If you nod your head and agree with your friend that her big daddy is really an asshole to her and she doesn’t deserve that shit, well hats off to you. You now have a gun to your head because this very sentence that you just said will come running back to you to slap you in the face later down the road. It’s like you wrote a death note in blood to the devil, and being the sneaky bastard he is, will never forget it. You are now “That Girl” that doesn’t like your friend’s pookie bear. Now I’m not saying that a friendship is going to come crashing down the minute you say these honest words, because I have had a good outcome from honesty. But I have been in the situation TIME AND TIME AGAIN when I give my honest opinion about douchlord bigelow and how he/she treats your friend like pond scum and they AGREE WITH YOU BUT…now here’s the kicker….THEY STAY WITH THEM?!?!?!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Then why are you asking me for my opinion? Clearly you just wanted to either vent or just waste my effing time when I could be getting a mani-pedi or fixing my online dating profile picture so that it doesn’t make me come off as desperate or fat. These people kill me.

What is the lesson us Single’s can learn from these events that will never end. We are just really good people that deserve the Nobel peace prize or at least free cheese dip with the purchase of a bag of soft pretzels. I would prefer the pretzels.

Adventure's in Speed Dating - Part Deux

If you cannot tell already, this night was more then I could have imagined. You could have written a book about the 3 hours that I spent trying to not kill myself slowly. I would have titled it, "After this night, I am glad I am alone" or "Please throw that Fucking bell at my head, a trip to the hospital wouldn't be the worst thing at this moment." After the first hour, I could not believe that this was actually happening. I tried to pinch myself to wake up from the nightmare, but really that never works. I would have rather had the reoccurring nightmare I have of a Great White Shark try to eat me alive than sit through another hour or more of this. But without it, I would not have a great warning ad/amazing story. I also believe that for the good deeds of being polite and engaging with these dweebs so really allow me a seat in heaven or at least a pass to free chic-fila sandwich. Either would do. So onward I go with part 2….

There was actually more girls than guys, so I had a 5 min break before Karthik (Car-thick) came to my table. I thought that would leave me enough time to make a run for it, but poor Elle would be left to fend for herself. It's wrong that I spent the whole 5 mins actually contemplating this, but I did. Karthik was quite a character. He decided to be "different" then the other dweebs and sit next to me on my couch instead of across from me. This was problem number 3 on his list, with 1 being his name, and 2 being he tried to portray that he had some type of game. Karthik applauded me that I knew how to pronounce his name……Really?? For your information this is not the first time I have been told, "wow, you are a smart one" for something so incredibly obvious. One day I will tell you about Elle and my adventure in Delaware and a boy named Smash. After getting over the fact that I actually paid attention to Hooked on Phonics as a child, karthik, thinking he has game, tries to cup a feel of my lady goods. I immediately want to vomit in my mouth but really my dress was adorable and I think I would have turned him on more. After a spelling lesson and almost being dry humped on the couch, the bell had rung already giving the signal to move it along, but karthik was above the system. In comes Mini horse.

I see this very short person staring at us. He proceeds to walk back and forth very aggressively. He then pulls the move of the century, He tattle tells on karthik for taking up more then the allotted time. I could not believe that this actually happened. As the lady comes over and ends my riveting conversation, Mini Horse trots on in, ON THE COUCH. He Steals karthik's move. Brilliant. Just brilliant. Right off the bat, I can tell he's an independent person and a free thinker. He sits down and makes me feel like I'm a giant. I'm 5;6. He proceeds to put his arm around me and tells me he is a lawyer from Philadelphia and has run about 23 ½ marathons. The quick-witted one that I am asked, "what, couldn't do any full marathons?" His expression immediately changes from stalker look to anger bear. He then asks me if I like to exercise. I tell him that I despise the gym, exercise minus getting up to change my DVD out, and that my eyes light up when I see/talk about food. He then pulls quite a ballsy move for a Dwarf. He spends his 3 mins left telling me that I should really get into running and how it is good for me. Well mini Horse, you have won me over by telling me that I need to exercise more and that you don't get sarcasm at all. Adios senior.

I then go through a slew of guys. Had some Police guys who were seemingly nice, but then after the 2^nd minute, couldn’t really think of things to say. Buddy, if you can’t talk to me about yourself, that’s a major problem. Who knows you better then you?!?! And they even give you a cheat sheet card of questions you may want to ask…really??? I can talk to a tree and make it my friend. When I have to consult a list of questions, you know I have hit rock bottom. In comes Dopey. When I first signed up for this event, I knew I would just be myself and find a good nerd to call my own. This was one of those moments that I wish I could rewind and actually not tell this guy where I work. Dopey was a special breed of what I’m not quite sure. I think he forgot to take his human pill that day. I process to tell him that I work for a pharmaceutical company. His eyes light up and he leans in closer. He tells me how the use of drugs and the taking of drugs. He says that coke is under rated and that it’s really not all that bad for you. I’m sitting there speechless. This guy actually asked me if I get to take home any free samples of drugs because I could sell them and he would help me. I blankly stare at him and say, “I really have no idea why you are single, and you seem like you’ve got it all figured out.” I tell him no I do not get to take the vaccine for HPV home with me. He proceeds to get upset by this statement and tells me that’s a real shame because he sells drugs and makes pretty good money out of it. He then takes my hand and leans in closer and says he wants to take me to an island somewhere and show me a good time. DING DING DING. The ringing saved my life…or I thought. There was one more guy left and I thought wow, 5 more fucking minutes of mindless dribble and I could leave. Enter hates Winter guy.

Last and certainly not least, Hates winter guy had to be my 2^nd favorite guy of the night. Not only did he successfully have the worst conversation with a person in history of conversations, but he also made me want to not socialize with humans for at least a week. He could not talk at all. Mama had to do all the hard labor here. Which normally I love to talk till my throat hurts, but that is usually involving someone else responding. This guy had nothing. This is how the conversation went:

Mama – So what’s your name?…..30 seconds later

HW – Hates winter

Mama – What do you like to do for fun…30 seconds later while looking around the room

HW – Well, I don’t like the winter, it is way too cold. I just stay in.

Mama – So you’re like a bear and hibernate?

….30 seconds later while fixing his Mickey Mouse Club style circa 1990 jacket.

HW – I just really hate the snow.

Mama – Ok so do you like sports or movies?

Hw – I hate sports….and I don’t like movies. (heart breaks and ears bleeding) The last movie I saw was the Da Vinci code (that was his first of many problems with this statement) and really…I just haven’t seen any since then. I like…50’s style movies.

This is the point that I thought the conversation would end. As the bell rang and I thought this epic night would be over and I could run to the nearest shower and wash off the nerd-debris. NO No…he continues to have awkward movement and conversation. But this was the pivotal moment. Not only did this guy sit there awkwardly, he actually has the AUDACITY to tell me that he likes the look of the organizer of the event and he wants to get her number. A thousand thoughts are running through my mind…DID THIS GUY JUST SAY THAT?? The main sequence that kept coming through like a freight train was that this guy was NOT INTERESTED IN ME but instead, the organizer in sparkle thigh high boots tickled his fancy. At this very moment….I hit rock bottom. I actually told Hates Winter that he should totally go for her and get her number, in fact, I offered to help him get it. This not only would stop the voices in my head from screaming but also would get me the fuck away from this guy. Now here comes my Jerry Springer Final Thoughts - Leaving aside the point that hates winter wanted himself a sparkly mess, I never felt better to be single in my life. This one moment made me not only feel great about myself as a person, but also feel grateful that I am not the only single gal in this world. What nerd enigma brought all these guys together into one room without the world exploding I will never fully know. What I do know is that….this was a great real world example as to why me being on my couch with Chipotle and an Arbor mist is so appealing to the masses of singles out there. I say to you oh fellow single….if you want to experience Speed Dating on your own, you clearly got nothing out of this story and to quote that bedroom intruder song guy, “ you are dumb, you are so dumb.”

Next Post – Single Girl seeks Psychic guidance.