Where's my card Bitch!?!?!

Like many normal human beings, trips to Target just come with everyday life. You also know that there is no way on this freaking planet that you can just walk into that store without spending, MINIMUM, $50. Ain’t that a bitch? God I love Target. I buy the essentials and the most random shit that I probably won’t need for another year later, but I had to get. Elle and I had a lovely lady dinner that consisted of amazing Mexican with mystery cheese that I want to bathe in. Afterwards, we made a trip to Target aka the place I spend my savings in. As we make our way into the store, Elle says she needs a card. I walked down each of the designated places, “Birthday, Wedding, Baby, Sympathy.” It dawned on me, as a single lady, I only get the two extremes, celebration of birth and death. That is just the most depressing, fucked up thing ever. Where are the cards for , “Congratulations, you lived with your parents aka your roomates and saved money!!!” or “Good job champ, you didn’t get an STD because you stay home on the weekends.” What makes me even more annoyed about Hallmark or any card store for that matter, not only that fact that I’m so sick of buying cards for other people’s decisions….actually no that’s really it. Where are my friggin cards?!?!? I made decisions in my life that deserve cards. I am going to make a petition for ALL MY SINGLE PEOPLE. Here are some suggestions that I have made myself for possible single people card line:

Congratulations on having your facebook relationship status stay single for more then a year

Your online profile is looking awesome, here is to hoping you find your nerd love today

Great job on getting through a wedding season without wanting to throw yourself in front of a bus

You have survived yet another year of not being set up on a date by anyone, not even your grandmom.

What really gets my panties in a bunch every single time I walk into a card store, is you are set up for failure. I know what you are thinking right now, oh boo who, little single girl is sad because she doesn’t get cards. Damn right I am punk. What if marriage doesn’t happen for me? Oh what about if I don’t have a baby? Are there cards for that? Are there cards for, “Sorry your vagina will not be seeing the light of day or having a human being squeezed out of it.” What about the card for not spending thousands of dollars on a wedding dress, but instead putting that money towards a vacation or stacks of Uggs with that fresh sheepskin lining or cookies. Hallmark..I say TOOF to you, and your non-supportive nature of the singles!

Adventure's in Speed Dating - Part Deux

If you cannot tell already, this night was more then I could have imagined. You could have written a book about the 3 hours that I spent trying to not kill myself slowly. I would have titled it, "After this night, I am glad I am alone" or "Please throw that Fucking bell at my head, a trip to the hospital wouldn't be the worst thing at this moment." After the first hour, I could not believe that this was actually happening. I tried to pinch myself to wake up from the nightmare, but really that never works. I would have rather had the reoccurring nightmare I have of a Great White Shark try to eat me alive than sit through another hour or more of this. But without it, I would not have a great warning ad/amazing story. I also believe that for the good deeds of being polite and engaging with these dweebs so really allow me a seat in heaven or at least a pass to free chic-fila sandwich. Either would do. So onward I go with part 2….

There was actually more girls than guys, so I had a 5 min break before Karthik (Car-thick) came to my table. I thought that would leave me enough time to make a run for it, but poor Elle would be left to fend for herself. It's wrong that I spent the whole 5 mins actually contemplating this, but I did. Karthik was quite a character. He decided to be "different" then the other dweebs and sit next to me on my couch instead of across from me. This was problem number 3 on his list, with 1 being his name, and 2 being he tried to portray that he had some type of game. Karthik applauded me that I knew how to pronounce his name……Really?? For your information this is not the first time I have been told, "wow, you are a smart one" for something so incredibly obvious. One day I will tell you about Elle and my adventure in Delaware and a boy named Smash. After getting over the fact that I actually paid attention to Hooked on Phonics as a child, karthik, thinking he has game, tries to cup a feel of my lady goods. I immediately want to vomit in my mouth but really my dress was adorable and I think I would have turned him on more. After a spelling lesson and almost being dry humped on the couch, the bell had rung already giving the signal to move it along, but karthik was above the system. In comes Mini horse.

I see this very short person staring at us. He proceeds to walk back and forth very aggressively. He then pulls the move of the century, He tattle tells on karthik for taking up more then the allotted time. I could not believe that this actually happened. As the lady comes over and ends my riveting conversation, Mini Horse trots on in, ON THE COUCH. He Steals karthik's move. Brilliant. Just brilliant. Right off the bat, I can tell he's an independent person and a free thinker. He sits down and makes me feel like I'm a giant. I'm 5;6. He proceeds to put his arm around me and tells me he is a lawyer from Philadelphia and has run about 23 ½ marathons. The quick-witted one that I am asked, "what, couldn't do any full marathons?" His expression immediately changes from stalker look to anger bear. He then asks me if I like to exercise. I tell him that I despise the gym, exercise minus getting up to change my DVD out, and that my eyes light up when I see/talk about food. He then pulls quite a ballsy move for a Dwarf. He spends his 3 mins left telling me that I should really get into running and how it is good for me. Well mini Horse, you have won me over by telling me that I need to exercise more and that you don't get sarcasm at all. Adios senior.

I then go through a slew of guys. Had some Police guys who were seemingly nice, but then after the 2^nd minute, couldn’t really think of things to say. Buddy, if you can’t talk to me about yourself, that’s a major problem. Who knows you better then you?!?! And they even give you a cheat sheet card of questions you may want to ask…really??? I can talk to a tree and make it my friend. When I have to consult a list of questions, you know I have hit rock bottom. In comes Dopey. When I first signed up for this event, I knew I would just be myself and find a good nerd to call my own. This was one of those moments that I wish I could rewind and actually not tell this guy where I work. Dopey was a special breed of what I’m not quite sure. I think he forgot to take his human pill that day. I process to tell him that I work for a pharmaceutical company. His eyes light up and he leans in closer. He tells me how the use of drugs and the taking of drugs. He says that coke is under rated and that it’s really not all that bad for you. I’m sitting there speechless. This guy actually asked me if I get to take home any free samples of drugs because I could sell them and he would help me. I blankly stare at him and say, “I really have no idea why you are single, and you seem like you’ve got it all figured out.” I tell him no I do not get to take the vaccine for HPV home with me. He proceeds to get upset by this statement and tells me that’s a real shame because he sells drugs and makes pretty good money out of it. He then takes my hand and leans in closer and says he wants to take me to an island somewhere and show me a good time. DING DING DING. The ringing saved my life…or I thought. There was one more guy left and I thought wow, 5 more fucking minutes of mindless dribble and I could leave. Enter hates Winter guy.

Last and certainly not least, Hates winter guy had to be my 2^nd favorite guy of the night. Not only did he successfully have the worst conversation with a person in history of conversations, but he also made me want to not socialize with humans for at least a week. He could not talk at all. Mama had to do all the hard labor here. Which normally I love to talk till my throat hurts, but that is usually involving someone else responding. This guy had nothing. This is how the conversation went:

Mama – So what’s your name?…..30 seconds later

HW – Hates winter

Mama – What do you like to do for fun…30 seconds later while looking around the room

HW – Well, I don’t like the winter, it is way too cold. I just stay in.

Mama – So you’re like a bear and hibernate?

….30 seconds later while fixing his Mickey Mouse Club style circa 1990 jacket.

HW – I just really hate the snow.

Mama – Ok so do you like sports or movies?

Hw – I hate sports….and I don’t like movies. (heart breaks and ears bleeding) The last movie I saw was the Da Vinci code (that was his first of many problems with this statement) and really…I just haven’t seen any since then. I like…50’s style movies.

This is the point that I thought the conversation would end. As the bell rang and I thought this epic night would be over and I could run to the nearest shower and wash off the nerd-debris. NO No…he continues to have awkward movement and conversation. But this was the pivotal moment. Not only did this guy sit there awkwardly, he actually has the AUDACITY to tell me that he likes the look of the organizer of the event and he wants to get her number. A thousand thoughts are running through my mind…DID THIS GUY JUST SAY THAT?? The main sequence that kept coming through like a freight train was that this guy was NOT INTERESTED IN ME but instead, the organizer in sparkle thigh high boots tickled his fancy. At this very moment….I hit rock bottom. I actually told Hates Winter that he should totally go for her and get her number, in fact, I offered to help him get it. This not only would stop the voices in my head from screaming but also would get me the fuck away from this guy. Now here comes my Jerry Springer Final Thoughts - Leaving aside the point that hates winter wanted himself a sparkly mess, I never felt better to be single in my life. This one moment made me not only feel great about myself as a person, but also feel grateful that I am not the only single gal in this world. What nerd enigma brought all these guys together into one room without the world exploding I will never fully know. What I do know is that….this was a great real world example as to why me being on my couch with Chipotle and an Arbor mist is so appealing to the masses of singles out there. I say to you oh fellow single….if you want to experience Speed Dating on your own, you clearly got nothing out of this story and to quote that bedroom intruder song guy, “ you are dumb, you are so dumb.”

Next Post – Single Girl seeks Psychic guidance.

Adventure's in Speed Dating.....

As a fully single lady, I tend to get a lot more reminders of my single hood through the mass forms of media. If I had a nickel for every time I heard a radio commercial for "Event's and Adventures", I'd be a fucking millionaire and could buy my own husband. Preferably one who has a Castle. It's not that I don't think these single events are helpful, maybe for some people they are but, they just seem to be a weird platform. I decided one day in a moment of sheer desperation to give Speed Dating a try. Not alone of course, but with Elle*, my partner in crime.

Now I must warn you, what you are about to read in the next few paragraphs is a REAL ACCOUNT. The names have been changed to conceal the identity of these poor bastards. If at any time you feel yourself being attracted to one of these guys, please, just close out of this blog and return to your life in front of your tv with Dawson’s Creek Reruns. Please keep all fluids away from your computer and body at this time, trust me, you will thank me later. There is definetly a lot to say, so this may become a two parter.

Elle* and I are two fully single ladies. After being sickened by the sight of one engagement after another on the Deathbook, we decide that we need to take things to the next level. We decide that Speed dating would be a good idea. What could go wrong? It worked in the movie Hitch…it worked on the Gilmore Girls. We find an age appropriate group and sign up. Saturday night rolls around and us ladies are dressed to the nine’s. The angels cried and the doves were chirping as we made our way into the city.

As we made it to our destination, I park Black Magic in a safe location, all tucked away. We make our way to the Crocodile Lounge. When we walk upstairs, we see nothing but a lot of tables….and a lot of random people. A colorful mixture of singles if you will. I scope the room, looking for a potential hand holder. Now, I say this with the utmost serious face and demeanor – there is not one guy in that room I would have remotely given my number to or bumped uglies with. I don’t even think I would have given my old retired AIM screen name. I mean these nerds could have found me from “Nsync62886” that was too much information. The bar started to resemble a 50’s dance, boys on one side, girls on the other. Elle and I gave each other the look that…maybe, we should suck it up on the money we wasted on this god forsaken night and go to the Sonic Drive in. Ding Ding went the bell, and it was too late. Earlier we had discussed that we didn’t want to sit with each other. If there is one thing I don’t need people hearing, is me attempting to flirt with a man. it involves a lot of 1^st grade terminology and hair twirling. After seeing the pick of the litter, we said there was no way in hell we were separating. AND AWAY WE WENT…..

First guy up, let’s call him harry. I don’t remember his real name, but I will call him Harry because he was seeing a midnight showing of Harry Potter that night at the Franklin Institute. Based upon that fact alone, I should have left with this guy. But then after telling Elle he wanted a Sponge bath from a Nurse, his redeeming quality of Harry and the gang went right out the window. Up next, let’s call him Mufasa. No this is not a racial slur, more so the fact that I am currently listening to the Lion King soundtrack on Pandora and he was off the boat from Africa. Put 2 and 2 together BAM. Mufasa. So Mufasa was a special man. He did not allow me to get one word in. For those that know me well, this is an impossible feet, because to be frank, I don’t shut the fuck up. He asked me my name, and then he said I looked exotic, like I was Italian. I politely said yes, Im Italian Amer..before I could even finish, He began to tell me that if I looked back on my heritage, I could have black people in my family. Because African people took a boat to Italy and basically invaded that shit up. My words clearly, not his. He then proceeded to tell me about a country song, named after me. And if the next thought in your mind was dear lord I hope he sang that to her, Then you just won a Prize. He grabbed my hand and sang the country song to me. I don’t know if I was more surprised that this man was actually singing to me or that his African accent was really ruining the country jamboree.

Next up was Lee. If I could pinpoint one thing about Lee that made him stand out from the crowd….no it was not the giant boil on his face that was screaming at me or the fact that his hair was a worse comb over then the Trump, no no, it was more the fact that his voice sounded like his balls did not drop at birth. With every word that came out of his mouth, my ears would bleed. He did have a successful job in computer software development. But the thought of listening to that voice every day of my life made me cringe. We would inevitably have to have a text based relationship only. But really there is only so many abbreviations that I can come up with for Boil Removal without sounding like a nasty honey badger.

Next up…was my favorite guy of all. Let’s call him Tony. Ah Tony. In under 5 minutes, you successfully changed my life. Apparently, when you sign up for an age range, that’s really all a lie. 24-35 in real life means Elle and I are the only under 30 people and everyone else is above 40. Tony looked like he was pushing 42. At first I felt bad for him. He seemed like a nice guy. I was polite and we had a nice conversation going about jobs. And then, I apparently made him nervous or something. He proceeded to have a long winded facial spasm. Every word was another movement and contortion of his face. God I sound like an asshole, but really, it looked like his was trying to play a fly catching game with his body. His mouth was so wide open and his face was moving so fast, left to right to up and down. If you want to see this in live action, Send me a personal message or an email and I will gladly video conference you in and show you the free show.

This concludes part one….Part 2 is even better. Apparently A mini horse look alike lawyer started to pick a fight and I met a guy that hadn’t been to a movie since 2002 and hated winter.