The Year of the Bat

Well, it’s 2012. Get out your pots and pans to bang and celebrate that nothing has changed, including my relationship status. I think the day that happens, Facebook will not know what to do with itself. It will literally shut down. I’m still single, I still live with my 3 roomates, and I still sleep with a stuffed Donald Duck. All in all, nothing has changed. Yes, I have made some resolutions like any normal human being. Loose more weight, move out, What I can tell you is that my outlook on the opposite sex has really been a laughable one. In the past 3 weeks, I have had the weirdest interactions with boys that one girl never imagines would happen to her. To say that 2012 has been off to a banner start is quite the understatement. I still am trying to process the events of New Years as I piece together the great puzzle. It saddens me that I have met nothing but the Princes of the land of Douche recently. What it up with that?? It’s only a matter of time until I meet the King of Douche. That is when I will explode into the atmosphere and I will ensue the plagues upon the earth. My favorite was the plague of darkness and boils. I will make it pitch black so that the douches can’t find their way to their next victim. And then I will cover their body in boils just for fun. WOAH anger issues. Anyway back to the Year of the Bat. This is how it all began.

New years - I will give you the Highlights magazine version with Goofus and Gallant. Gallant tells you you’re pretty and treats you nice. Goofus ignores you until he is drunk, Gallant shows his interest and you share a kiss or two or three. Goofus also has his eye on another lady in your group. Gallant facebook messages you for your number. Goofus facebook messages other girl for her number at the same time. Goofus becomes a Lord of Doucheland. A week later when I see this winner at a bar, he’s macking on someone else, right up on me, no literally on my back. Well Done sir. You have completed your course load for Masters in Jackassness. In case you haven’t caught on yet, Goofus and Gallant are the same guy. This LOD really must have a pair of platinum balls to pull this off. Does he think I am stupid? I guess Goofus was trying to keep his options open. It’s one thing to pull the Dick move, but it’s another thing to think you can pull this off. Goofus….I see through your lies and your deception. I just don’t understand guys like this. It’s one thing to have a random hook up, it’s another to pull a dick move. Congratulations sir, Your diploma is in the mail.

On the Eve of said Back Embrace, Snickers is at the bar witnessing this blessed event. She is also sitting next to another winner. I am trying to be cool about the situation and just shrug it off. The guy next to her, let’s call him Gully. Gully was a special gentleman. He was clearly hitting the bar hard. This was my first time meeting Gully. And it would become one of the most memorable nights of my life. Gully doesn’t even say hi to me. He just says to me “You look like you have a secret…tell me your secret” Well hello there Gully, nice to meet you too. I honestly don’t know what came over my body and mind. It could have been the couple of shots I had prior to this conversation or the fact that I was eyeing a Jeremy Renner look a like at the other end of the bar and I felt like I was on my game as he was eyeing me back. LOD who??? I tell Gully that I can’t tell him my secret because then it’s not a secret. Gully gives me the puppy eyes and I cave. This is exactly how the conversation went, word for word.

Mama – OK Gully, I will tell you my secret. I think you are worthy enough. But you have to promise not to tell a soul, or this could be dangerous for you.

Gully – OK I’m excited.

Mama – Lean in closer Gully, Lean in closer.

20 Second pause……….

Mama – I…..Am batman.

MIND BLOWN. THAT JUST HAPPENED. HOLY CHEESE BALLS>…**ooo cheese I’m hungry**

This kid….this poor little lamb. He believed me. Snickers tried with every fiber of her being not to bust out laughing. I could see her almost about to cry with joy. What makes this situation better, is that not only did this kid believe that I was Batman, But He threw down some bones(wow I sounded fierce) for drinks for Batman. Batman has to drink too! This happened for the rest of the night. I was playing this guy like a fiddle. I fully took on this role of batman. I may have told him where I keep my bat mobile, without sounding dirty. There may have been many jokes also about he Dark Knight Rising……yea. Sidenote – Jeremy Renner look a like….had a girlfriend. BOO. This is what happens to me all the time. Either they have a girlfriend or they hook up with another girl right on your back.. No luck for mama.

With this all being said. I really want to have a better outlook for 2012. It may have not started off of a good note, but I would like it to be a better year for me. I want this to be an exciting year of new challenges and great times. This is the year that it all happens. This is the Year of the Bat. If you need me….just send up the Bat Signal.